


Five Times Bucky Didn't Kiss Steve and One Time Steve Kissed Bucky

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 03:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10800417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bucky Barnes is 15 the first time he actually contemplates acting on his feelings toward his best friend.





	Five Times Bucky Didn't Kiss Steve and One Time Steve Kissed Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> just a disclaimer: since im still re-entering the world of writing, im also having to learn everything again. special thanks to kyra for previewing this, my angel!!!

i.

Bucky Barnes is 15 years old the first time he almost kisses Steve. 

They’re on the boardwalk at Coney Island, and Steve looks beautiful. He’s laughing at something Bucky said, his head thrown back, eyes closed. Bucky thinks about what it would be like to lean right over and press his lips to Steve’s. It would be like a real date if he did that. But he couldn’t, of course. There were people everywhere, and he couldn't ruin the relationship he had with his best friend by acting on his repulsive urges. Steve would be disgusted by him, he was better than that, better than Bucky, better than the shameful feelings he had experienced his whole life. With a knot twisting in his gut, he tries to push the thoughts to the back of his mind. His stomach doesn’t stop hurting.

 

ii.

Bucky Barnes is 16 years old the next time he almost kisses Steve. 

Steve’s sitting on the bathroom counter, bloody and bruised from a fight he started with someone ten times his size. That’s Steve, Bucky thinks. His stupid, brave best friend. Bucky’s cleaning the blood off his face gently, afraid to hurt him more. Steve’s looking at him with those wide blue eyes, and Bucky tries to ignore it and focus on the scrapes and cuts on his cheeks and forehead. 

When Bucky finishes cleaning and bandaging everything, Steve quietly says, “Thanks, Buck.”

Bucky looks at him, at his cuts and scrapes, at his beautiful face, at his big eyes, at his light eyelashes, at the soft spray of freckles across his nose, at his soft pink lips… He suddenly realizes how close to Steve he’s standing, and jumps away. He becomes very interested in the tile flooring of the bathroom. He can’t believe it. He was so close to doing it. He couldn't ever do that to Steve, he had promised himself again and again. Not ever.

“Welcome,” he blurts, too loudly. “Just be careful, okay? Please.” He clears his throat, walking out of the cramped room as quickly as he can.

 

iii. 

Bucky Barnes is 17 years old the third time he almost kisses Steve. 

Steve’s standing in front of the open window of his small apartment, staring at a canvas with his brows furrowed and one hand on his hip. He’s covered in different colors of paint; no matter how careful he is when he paints, he always ends up with bright splashes all over him. He’s learned by now, and has taken off his shirt, his sleeveless undershirt now receiving most of the damage. Bucky’s lying on the ratty, torn up couch, quietly watching him work. Steve’s completely focused on the canvas, working silently and carefully. Bucky never takes his eyes off him.

“Hey, Buck, wanna see?” Steve finally asks, smiling brightly. 

Bucky jumps up from the couch, eager to see Steve’s painting. He’s always the first to see them when they’re finished. He always tells Steve he could sell them, and Steve always blushes and shrugs. Bucky pads across the floor in his bare feet, and Steve turns the easel a bit so he can see better. 

It’s breathtaking, full of bright blues and yellows, and Bucky recognizes it immediately.

“It’s Coney Island. When we went together,” Steve comments, as if Bucky didn’t already know. He’s looking up at him expectantly, waiting to hear what he thinks.

Bucky feels a lump form in his throat. He forces himself to nod. “It’s really beautiful, Steve.”

He finally tears his gaze away from the painting and looks at the smaller boy. He thinks back to the time on the boardwalk, the first time he thought about actually kissing Steve. They had so much fun that day, he remembers. And Steve’s beaming, eyes bright, and he’s so beautiful, inside and out, and Bucky’s melting, from the painting and from the way Steve’s looking at him, and he wants to kiss him, he really wants to kiss him, he wants to take his face in his hands and kiss him and kiss him and never stop. He steps backward, before he does anything stupid. And he really, really wants to do something stupid. But he can’t. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. 

 

iv.

Bucky Barnes is 18 years old the next time he almost kisses Steve. 

It’s been a few weeks since Sarah’s funeral, and Steve’s living with him now. It’s not much different from before; they were always together anyway. Steve’s happy, and when Steve’s happy, Bucky’s happy.

They’re at the movies, near the far back of the theater. Steve’s watching the film, and Bucky’s watching Steve. He’s completely mesmerized, never taking his eyes off the screen even as he shovels handfuls of popcorn into his mouth. His eyes are bright, and he’s laughing at every joke. Bucky’s grinning like an idiot, and not because of the movie. He’s not even watching the movie. 

Steve turns his head and beams at Bucky, his eyes shining in the dark, and Bucky’s heart suddenly feels too big for his chest. 

This would be when he would kiss him, he thinks. This would be the moment. If it wasn't terrible and awful and disgusting, this would be it. He would kiss him and it would be perfect. He would taste like the butter and salt on the popcorn, and Bucky would smile against his lips, and it would be everything Bucky had ever dreamt of and imagined. 

But the way he feels _is_ terrible and awful and disgusting and worse. So he turns away from Steve and watches the movie in silence, his chest aching.

 

v. 

Bucky Barnes is 19 years old the last time he almost kisses Steve. 

They’re sitting on the floor of their apartment, passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth between them. They’re talking and laughing, and Bucky’s trying to make sure Steve doesn’t drink more than he can handle. But the more Bucky drinks, the more in love with the blond boy sitting cross-legged in front of him he feels, and in an attempt to get rid of that feeling, he drinks even more. As a result, Bucky’s very, very drunk. Steve’s almost as bad as Bucky, given how small he is. His cheeks are red and his eyes are bright, and he’s looking at Bucky and giggling like a little kid. 

Steve grabs at the bottle in Bucky’s hands, pulling it up to his mouth.

“Nah, I’m thinkin’ you’ve had enough,” Bucky slurs, grinning and reaching out to take the bottle back from him.

Steve’s laughing hard, and he pulls away, playfully yelling, “No, no!” before somehow falling into Bucky’s lap. Bucky catches him in his arms automatically, and he’s holding him close, both smiling and laughing like idiots. Steve sits up a little, looking Bucky in the eye.

“You’re my best friend, Buck,” he mumbles, barely intelligible, his words all running together. “Dunno why, but thanks.” 

His face is close to Bucky’s, and he can smell the alcohol on his breath. Bucky finds himself trying to look anywhere else but his mouth, feeling his face start to go red. For a second he imagines what would happen if he kissed Steve, right then. He would wrap his arms around him tighter, pulling him in close— Even in his drunken state, he stops himself. What is _wrong_ with him? He could never do that, especially not when Steve’s drunk. That would be the worst thing he could ever do.

Steve’s still grinning, poking Bucky in the chest with a finger and giggling. God, he’s trashed.

The unwanted thought makes him feel guilty, dirty. What kind of a friend is he? Even though he doesn't do anything, of course, he feels terrible, like he’s still hurt Steve somehow. And he would die before he hurt Steve. He feels tears prick at his eyes.

“I’m tired,” he mumbles, moving Steve aside gently, unable to look at him. He stands up quickly, making himself dizzy, and makes his way to his room, stumbling a little. He cries that night.

 

vi.

Bucky Barnes is 20 years old the first time Steve kisses him.

He storms through the door, Bucky trying to keep up behind him. 

“Steve, please—“ he starts, but the smaller boy whirls around to face him.

“I can do this!” Steve yells, that determined look in his eye. “I need to do this!”

“You need to go get blown up all the way across the ocean?” Bucky shouts incredulously.

“I need to do something!” he responds, stamping his foot. His face is red; he’s frustrated, angry, upset. “I need to help!”

Bucky covers his face with his hands, trying to steady his breathing. “You can’t… You don’t need to…” 

Steve told him on their way home. That he wanted to join the army. He wanted to go overseas and fight in the war. Bucky felt as if his heart was being crushed by a cold, metal hand. He couldn't breathe. Steve would be leaving Bucky behind, and he would probably die over there. An image of Steve’s small, broken body lying on a battlefield suddenly appeared in his mind and he almost vomited. Bucky couldn’t let it happen. He couldn’t let him do it. He tried to convince him not to, told him he would never even be accepted; he was too sick. All that did was upset Steve, and he ran the rest of the way home, leaving Bucky to chase after him.

“Bucky, I have to!” Steve yells at him across the room. “Why are you being so—” He lets out a frustrated sigh, crossing his arms over his chest.

Bucky wants to scream. How can he not understand? How can he not understand the danger it would put him in, the effect that it would have on Bucky if he got hurt?

“Steve, do you not get it?” he yells right back.

“Get what?” He’s staring Bucky down, looking him right in the eye.

“What’ll happen to you! What’ll happen to me if somethin’ happens to you!” Bucky brings a hand up to cover his face again, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his fingers, letting out a shaky breath.

“You’ll be fine if something happens to me!” he shouts.

“Are you serious?” Bucky drops his hand to his side, his brows furrowed, squinting at Steve. His voice is quiet. “Are you kiddin’ me?”

Steve’s mouth goes into a hard line.

“I’ll be fine if somethin’ happens to you?” He laughs bitterly, instead of crying. And then he can’t stop, because it couldn't be further from the truth, and the fact that Steve has no idea is too much, way too much.

“What?” Steve asks slowly.

Bucky’s still laughing, but also crying now. Tears are welling up in his eyes and falling down his face, and he just gives up. He finally gives up. “I love you!” he screams at Steve, stupid, stupid Steve. 

Then he can’t hold back the tears any longer. He turns away quickly, and it’s as if every feeling, every thought, everything he’d ever held back about how he feels toward Steve is finally coming pouring out of him, all at once. Almost two decades of feelings finally coming to the surface. He has both hands over his mouth, trying not to make any noise, but he’s failing. His shoulders are shaking violently, and he just can’t stop no matter how hard he tries.

“Bucky…” Steve starts, but trails off.

“Just leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone,” he chokes out, slamming his door behind him.

Bucky doesn’t come out of the room until he’s sure Steve’s gone. He hasn’t heard him walking around for a long time; he’s probably gone for good. He'll find somewhere else to stay, he'll never look at Bucky again. He finally cracks open the door, only to find Steve sitting on the couch, his knees pulled up to his chest. Bucky’s shocked. It’s been hours. But there he is. He stands up right away. 

“Steve, I’m—“ But before he can get the words out, Steve’s walking over to him, that same look of determination as before on his face. And then he’s pushing Bucky up against the wall by his shirt, and then he’s kissing him. 

He’s kissing him. Steve Rogers is kissing Bucky Barnes. And it’s real, it’s not a dream. It’s real. Bucky is so surprised, several seconds pass before he can breathe again. He wraps his arms around Steve’s waist, one hand going up his untucked shirt. Steve’s hands are in his hair, and he’s _kissing_ him. He’s kissing him hard, desperately, and Bucky’s responding with just as much enthusiasm. He’s lucky he has the wall to support him, otherwise he would fall over. This is so startlingly different from the few times girls have kissed Bucky. He wants this, he wants Steve, he’s not just playing a part. Steve tongue tastes like peppermint, and they’re breathing hard into each other’s mouths. Bucky’s hands are gripping his waist tightly; he’s afraid if he lets go he’ll disappear, this will have just been a dream. But Steve pushes against him, and he’s here, and this is real, God, this is real. Bucky gasps, and Steve laughs lightly against his lips. Bucky brings a hand up to his face, pushing a strand of blond hair back from where it’s fallen into Steve’s face.

“Bucky, I love you,” Steve breathes, looking at him with those wide eyes. His eyelashes go on and on forever, and up close Bucky can see all the different shades of blue in his irises. “I love you, too, Bucky.” He nods slightly, pushing their noses together.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since Coney Island,” Bucky admits, breathless. His heart is racing.

“I’ve wanted you to kiss me since even before then,” Steve murmurs. Their foreheads are pressed together, Bucky’s hands cradling Steve’s face, Steve’s hands in his hair. “I guess I have to do everything myself,” he laughs softly. 

Bucky’s face suddenly grows serious. His thumb runs back and forth over Steve’s cheek. “I can’t change your mind, can I?” he asks quietly.

Steve shakes his head slowly, his nose brushing back and forth against Bucky’s. "I gotta do something, Buck."

“Then I guess I’m comin' with you,” he says firmly.

And Steve kisses him again, and then he’s in his arms, his legs wrapped around Bucky, and they’re falling onto the bed, just barely managing to close the door behind them. But another door has just opened wide for Bucky and Steve, and though it’s scary, they're together, and that's the only thing that matters.


End file.
